5/26/2023 FRIDAY
Just realized it was the 3 yrs anniversary of George Floyd’s murder. Time really flies. I’ve got some thoughts on how my view on race & racism has changed over the years. Wanted to share them with you.
I remember when the murder first happened, everyone was talking about it, because it was right in Minneapolis. My first reaction was fear. I’m not Black, but I was afraid of what could come out of a system that can just freely harm non-White people, that easily. For once, I felt unsafe, for being who I am. And then the protests started, I began educating myself on racism and Black history & thoughts in America. I realized how shallow my knowledge for race was. Even though I didn’t grow up in this country, the education I received in high school and college really has failed to prepare me to be socially aware. Yes, they pointed out that racism is a problem in America. Descrimination happens. But somehow that was never the center of any discussion on social issues. Why isn’t racism, specifically racism against Black people, the biggest thing we teach in classes? Why isn’t it something we talk about everyday, regardless if we were Black or Brown or Asian or White? Because it’s so present in our lives, it’s everywhere, and it seems that unseeing its pervasive impact is a deliberate effort to deny harm done to Black people and to refuse reparation.
Anyway. I became woke. And in the process I also began to learn about the Asian American community. To be honest, I wans’t very sensitive to the kind of discrimination we’d face. I just thought that I wasn’t good enough because I couldn’t speak English well. But then I heard my mom’s story, multiple times, of being rejected at work because of her Chinese accent, and having difficulties advancing in school because White Boomers in Wisconsin just refuse to tolerate someone who looks & sounds different than them. And I heard students being asked if they were international students, just randomly, because they look Asian. And I was like, oh, so being Asian is actually something that White people don’t like. My lack of European physical features makes people think I don’t belong here, and that I can’t have all the nice things White Americans have because I am just an “immigrant”. You get the idea.
If you’re White, don’t be offended by my personal experience. But just know that we face different realities.
Then the Atlanta spa shooting happened. That was a real hit. I went through a phase of “being a raced person is so hard I don’t want it anymore”. Because it seems that me self-proclaiming as Asian American means that I am deliberately recognizing the categorization by race, and am therefore pointing out the power structure and the subordination of non-White races. Like I’d have to live with that. Recognizing that my identity automatically puts me in a subordinate & vulnerable position in this society.
Also I’m referring to White Americans without specifying ethnicities bc in my opinion, the difference of how a Irish person & a Polish person are treated in the U.S. is far smaller than how an Irish person & a Vietnamese person are treated, just in academia and employment and housing and walking down the street. So that’s why I’m lumping all White-appearing people into one category for the sake of talking about race.
But slowly, very slowly, I began to find joy and power and love in being Asian American. Like, my racial identity not only allows me to see clearly the power structures based on race, it shows me a direction that I can work towards to mend the inequality. Seeing the fight that lies ahead doesn’t mean that I’m in despair. I think it actually pumps me with hope, because I’m seeing so many allies wanting to fight for the same thing that I do, and in resistance I found the purest emotion that exist in humanity, which is love. Wow it’s so cheesy to write. Who just wrote this.
I used to think that it’s stressful to be always thinking about race & power. It’s as if I was always seeing the world through a negative lens, seeing what is not good about it. But I’m coming to realize that, luckily, just like the fight against climate change, no one is not alone in this. And seeing what’s wrong and wanting to make it right is not negative. You couldn’t say it’s positive either. I guess it’s just empowering, acknowledging what is and envisioning what will be.
And, truthfully, coming from the bottom of my heart, right now I really don’t give 2 fucks about how people treat me in daily lives just bc I look Asian. If it’s offensive personally, I’d diss back. If it’s just a polite remark, I just make a note of it and try to not hang around this person in the future. Their attitudes toward me says more about them as people than about me. So now I just use it as a tool to (secretly) analyze ppl’s morality & degrees of awareness (hehe). On the bigger level I do pay attention to politics & nonprofit works & try to do the good things. But just in everyday life, I’ve just let it go. Gotta give people the benefit of the doubt, you know. If I see every non-Asian appearing stranger as enemy, then I’d be kinda racist too.
Thanks for coming to my lecture. There will be a quiz at the end. If you didn’t pay attention in class… I still love you. Okay byee…
[Little pommy. Just smol. You're welcome ]
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